[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.