Boom, boom, ching!
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Only a mother’s love …
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.