Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
no their not
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
This forever.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.