The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
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I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
No, YOUR illiterate.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize