[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings