Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
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Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse