@NikiWithIssues: Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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@jonnysun: HILLARY: donald-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: …trump-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: [smiling serenely] …is good TRUMP: --wrong. nno wait. nno. no, no
@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water