Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
You Might Also Like
another case of gang violins
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
😆this is so true
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws