@NikiWithIssues: Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
@pixelatedboat: You (dumb, hasn't seen Fight Club): If I buy things I'll be happy Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I'm going to punch someone in a basement
@jaketapper: I'm trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
@CornOnTheGoblin: if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you