WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
me refusing to leave twitter
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.