Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.