*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
You Might Also Like
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
quarantine day 3
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Tony Hawk, age 6
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.