*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.