@panmidwest: *talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog's water bowl*
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@aksorojas: "You can't get married," the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
@WilliamAder: Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I'm doing important volunteer work.
@FatherWithTwins: Cashier: Need to see some ID Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey? Cashier: Yup Me: Ok, here you go then
@ShortWhiteNUgly: I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.