[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
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Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Every haunted house movie:
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.