[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*