[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I can’t be the only one 😂
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂