[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them