Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
So the ex texted me
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.