@SveldtSmelt: Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don't know where to start and I always end up screaming.
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@TheTweetOfGod: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Santa." "Santa who?" "Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass."
@djr_102: Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
@goldengateblond: PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as "late-term abortion." Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.