[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
what
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds