[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works