Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Optional boss fight.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?