I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.