Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[shakes fist at other fist]
#Thanos #MondayMood
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.