*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty