*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Beware of fowl play.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.