Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
This kid will have a bright future.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.