@WheelTod: Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
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@doktorj: Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean? Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
@GeorgiaSweet20: Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready. Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
@Manali_Shetye5: Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
@13spencer: I just found out that "Birdman" has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.