I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
RT if you could go either way.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Support your local cemetery
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings