@shutupmikeginn: [Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn't help notice you were admiring my hand vests.
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@Sassafrantz: A bride just said "today I'm marrying my best friend" it's like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous
@Cpin42: Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
@JermHimselfish: I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it's my neighbor's window and he looks angry.
@UncleDuke1969: “Your keys are over THERE.” - Wow. You have eagle eyes! “Yup. My vision is 20/20.” - No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.