I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You Might Also Like
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit