A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…