[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.