[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
waiting for halloween be like:
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!