Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
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The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.