Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
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That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
termite twitter scares me
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah