Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
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waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Banana is the quietest snack
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
it is time once again
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.