@ilovepie84: Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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@Parentpains: Surround yourself with people that can't handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.
@AristotlesNZ: 9yo: Look what I made! Me: What? 9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars! Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.
@causticbob: I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs. So far I've got 50,000 signatures.
@SardonicTart: How to beat depression: 1) Talk to someone 2) When that person says "just cheer up," beat that person with a baseball bat.