Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Holy moly
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
📽️movie date🎞️
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?