My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
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Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Breaking news:
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.