Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Lol.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.