My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car