Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?