If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Every. Damn. Time.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Human are so complicated
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater