[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin