[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok