[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
You Might Also Like
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I have two kinds of followers
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
This meeting could have been a cake
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same