@joemcshutup: Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a "clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
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@NicestHippo: "Your evolutionary biology thesis is rejected." Why? "You added (lmao) every time you mentioned Homo Erectus."
@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
@duplicitron: Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
@Dr_awfulpants: If your boss says "Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to be in at 8am?" don't correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.