As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I hope Alan is OK
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.