Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
😂😂