Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.