Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
2022: I can fix it
Body by cheese-puffs.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
New menu item
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.