Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.