Scream sneezers need love too.
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Webb. James Webb.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password