I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.