TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.