TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like