In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
i smell a pulitzer
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.