My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
the dark web is just a goth google.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.